Rick Cheatham on Surviving Grief, Healing Marriage, and Leading Men

Sponsored by Maryland Pickers 

Rick Cheatham’s story is one of incredible resilience, raw honesty, and deep transformation. A former firefighter and current marriage coach, Rick opens up about his battles with addiction, his near divorce, the murder of his son, and a devastating injury that left him temporarily paralyzed. Through it all, he found healing in forgiveness, faith, and purpose, and now helps other men do the same. This is a must-listen for anyone navigating trauma, broken relationships, or spiritual healing.

Guest: Rick Cheatham 

Rick Cheatham is a former fire captain from Anaheim, California, and now a transformational speaker and marriage coach. After overcoming decades of personal struggle, including addiction, near-divorce, and the tragic murder of his son, Rick dedicates his life to helping men heal from trauma, rebuild their marriages, and live with authenticity and courage. He is the creator of the Start Where You Stand method and is currently writing two books to share his story and framework with a broader audience.

Main Topics: 

·         Rick’s military service and transition to firefighting

·         His descent into addiction (pornography, promiscuity, escapism)

·         Rebuilding trust and saving his marriage

·         The role of faith and spiritual vibrational healing

·         The emotional impact of losing his son to murder

·         Forgiveness: of others, himself, and his past

·         How trauma shapes identity and behavior

·         His mission to help men heal, especially in fire service communities

·         The “Start Where You Stand” framework

·         Courage vs. fear as life lenses 

Resources mentioned: 

·         Discovering the Mind of a Woman

Pre-order your copy today

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Chapters

• 0:00 Rich’s intro and Rick’s background
• 2:31 From baseball dreams to military life
• 5:41 Construction and joining the fire service
• 9:01 Struggles post-military: addiction begins
• 14:01 Sexual addiction and emotional pain
• 15:46 Praying for the perfect wife—and getting her
• 19:31 How addiction almost destroyed his marriage
• 21:31 Vibrational healing and breaking addiction cycles
• 26:31 Early childhood trauma and adult decisions
• 36:31 Learning to forgive himself
• 38:31 Losing his son and battling depression
• 41:31 Forgiving his son’s killer
• 45:31 Returning to serve the fire family
• 49:31 A firefighter’s suicide prevention story
• 53:31 Living life through fear vs. love
• 58:11 Finding purpose through adversity
• 1:00:31 The most powerful memory of his son Michael
• 1:08:31 Final thoughts and how to connect with Rick

Transcript

Rich & Wendy 0:00
Hey, everyone is rich Bennett. Can you believe it? The show is turning 10 this year. I am so grateful for each and every one of you who've tuned in, shared an episode, or even joined the conversation over the years. You're the reason that this podcast has grown into what it is today. Together, we've shared laughs, tears, and moments that truly matter. So I want to thank you for being part of this journey. Let's make the next 10 years even better. Coming to you from the Freedom Federal Credit Union Studios Hartford County living presents 

Conversations with Rich Bennett. 

Hi you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 

Rich Bennett 1:00
Welcome to Conversations with Rich Bennett. I'm your host, Rich Bennett, and today we have an incredible guest with us. Someone who has faced life's toughest battles head on and turned them into a mission to help others. Rich Edelm is a seasoned marriage coach and transformational speaker, but before that, he spent his career serving as a fire captain and firefighter association president in Anaheim, California. His story is one of true resilience overcoming personal struggles with addiction, the heartbreaking loss of his oldest son, and a severe neck injury that left him relearning how to walk just five months after retirement. Through it all, Rich has remained dedicated to his family, his faith, and his passion for helping men navigate life's toughest challenges. So if you're looking for wisdom, inspiration, and a lesson, and perseverance, you're in the right place. Grab your coffee or whatever it is you want to drink. And don't I, all you listen, I don't want to ever hear anybody say, oh, I have it so tough because when you hear Rick's story and some of the people he've talked to, it's a piece of cake. How's it going Rick? 

Rick Cheatham 2:19
It's going great, man. Take you. Great, have great being on the show with you today. 

Rich Bennett 2:23
Oh, my pleasure. I know we've been trying to hook up since. 

Rick Cheatham 2:26
Right, it's been a 

Rich Bennett 2:27
I 

Rick Cheatham 2:27
while. 

Rich Bennett 2:27
say December. 

Rick Cheatham 2:28
at least. Yeah, 

Rich Bennett 2:29
Wow. 

Rick Cheatham 2:29
yeah, it's been a while. We've been bouncing back and forth and life gets in the way and things happen and storms come through and before you know it, 

Rich Bennett 2:37
Yeah, 

Rick Cheatham 2:37
we're nearly four or five months into it. 

Rich Bennett 2:41
No, are you actually from California originally? 

Rick Cheatham 2:43
Yes. 

Rich Bennett 2:44
you 

Rick Cheatham 2:44
Originally 

Rich Bennett 2:44
are. 

Rick Cheatham 2:44
Formerly, yes. 

Rich Bennett 2:45
Okay. So when you were back in school, what what I always love the essence question, what was it that you wanted to do after you finished school? 

Rick Cheatham 2:58
We talking 

Rich Bennett 2:59
career wise. 

Rick Cheatham 3:01
I mean, we're talking just regular school, 

Rich Bennett 3:03
high school. 

Rick Cheatham 3:06
Yeah. I wanted to be a professional baseball player. 

Rich Bennett 3:08
Really? 

Rick Cheatham 3:10
I wanted to be a professional ball player and ended up because of injuries. I 

Rich Bennett 3:16
Yeah, 

Rick Cheatham 3:16
blew my shoulder out and I red-shirted first year in college and never went back. 

Rich Bennett 3:24
Wow. 

Rick Cheatham 3:24
Join the military and the rest is history. 

Rich Bennett 3:26
Well, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute, hold up. What branch? 

Rick Cheatham 3:30
Army. 

Rich Bennett 3:31
Really? Well, thank you 

Rick Cheatham 3:33
it 

Rich Bennett 3:33
for 

Rick Cheatham 3:33
tonight, 1981. 

Rich Bennett 3:37
Same year I went in. 

Rick Cheatham 3:38
Uh huh. Yeah. 

Rich Bennett 3:39
I'll be damned. I did know that. 

Rick Cheatham 3:41
Yeah. Went over to was a part of all the reforger missions that went on for training and back then it was West Germany. 

Rich Bennett 3:53
Wow. How long did you serve in the army for? 

Rick Cheatham 3:56
Two years. 

Rich Bennett 3:58
Two years. Was 

Rick Cheatham 3:58
I went in on what they call a buddy 

Rich Bennett 4:00
that-- 

Rick Cheatham 4:00
system where I 

Rich Bennett 4:01
Yes. 

Rick Cheatham 4:01
went in with my best friend 

and unfortunately he did not finish his AIT training went back home and married his high school sweetheart 

and I went on to Europe by myself. 

Rich Bennett 4:16
Did they even have the buddy system anymore? 

Rick Cheatham 4:19
I brought-- I doubt it. I don't I don't even know if they even have an option for two years anymore. 

Rich Bennett 4:23
I don't know. military's changed so 

Rick Cheatham 4:25
much. Yeah, it's changed a bunch. 

Rich Bennett 4:28
Yeah. Yeah. Like as with everything else. All right, so you did your time in the military or in the army but playing baseball, taking your picture? 

Rick Cheatham 4:39
No. 

Rich Bennett 4:40
No? 

Rick Cheatham 4:40
No, I played middle infield so shortstop per second 

Rich Bennett 4:44
Okay. 

Rick Cheatham 4:44
base but I was primarily a catcher. 

Rich Bennett 4:48
Oh. 

Rick Cheatham 4:49
Yeah. I was primarily a catcher. 

Rich Bennett 4:51
Had you missed your shoulder up? 

Rick Cheatham 4:53
Just pulled the shoulder there just throwing and just... taking abuse for all those years behind the plate. 

Rich Bennett 5:02
Yeah. Man, God. Alright, so then after the army, because we were talking briefly before we started, I'd take it, that's when you got into construction. 

Rick Cheatham 5:10
Yeah, right out of the military, I ended up getting into construction. 

Rich Bennett 5:13
And how 

Rick Cheatham 5:14
I 

Rich Bennett 5:14
long 

Rick Cheatham 5:14
made my living. I did that all the way up. Sheesh, I did that even after I got into the fire service. I think I finally finished my construction in 2006 or 2007. And I finally hung my bags up and said, "Okay, I'm not going to do this anymore for a living." No, I just -- up until I got injured, I would just do it as a hobby, do my own stuff, my own remodels, and things like that 

Rich Bennett 5:40
did 

Rick Cheatham 5:40
are on 

Rich Bennett 5:40
it -- 

Rick Cheatham 5:40
the house. 

Rich Bennett 5:40
okay, 

Rick Cheatham 5:40
But

 I got into the fire service in 1996. I got hired full-time. And so I'd probably spent another 10 years, just what we called in the fire service as sea shifting. So we'd have our primary career as a firefighter. And then on our days off, we would swing a hammer for extra cash. So that's what I did for about 10 years after I joined the fire service. 

Rich Bennett 6:08
Alright, why -- why the fire department? 

Rick Cheatham 6:12
Why 

Rich Bennett 6:12
did you decide to join that? 

Rick Cheatham 6:14
It was a childhood dream I always had. 

Rich Bennett 6:17
Okay. 

Rick Cheatham 6:18
I grew up, as you can imagine, you probably did the same thing. I grew up in the era of emergency squad 51. 

Rich Bennett 6:27
Oh, yeah, 

Rick Cheatham 6:27
and Roy, and 

Rich Bennett 6:29
love 

Rick Cheatham 6:29
I 

Rich Bennett 6:29
that. 

Rick Cheatham 6:29
was just probably 10 years old or so, 11. And I just fell in love with what I was seeing. And it brought about an excitement. And so every time a siren would come by, I was always chasing it down the street to go see what was going on. 

And, you know, 

Rich Bennett 6:50
-- I 

Rick Cheatham 6:51
that's 

Rich Bennett 6:51
still 

Rick Cheatham 6:51
what 

Rich Bennett 6:51
do. 

Rick Cheatham 6:53
I kind of quit chasing them. It's after a while. Just like, man, they're just going over to so-and-so's house over there. They 

Rich Bennett 7:00
Yeah. 

Rick Cheatham 7:00
probably got a headache. And they know big deal. Don't worry about it. Nothing's going to -- if there was a fire, if there was a big traffic collision somewhere, yeah, I might pull up on there and check it out. But, no, I 

finally stopped all the construction when my wife became a full-time nurse. So I figured there was no way -- I mean, I wanted her to stay home and be with our kids. But once she was able to get a career in the nursing industry, I hung up my bags once and for all. 

Rich Bennett 7:36
Wow. I -- as you mentioned, emergency -- two shoes I always loved watching back then was emergency and Adam Twil 

Rick Cheatham 7:44
Adam Twil, 

Rich Bennett 7:45
-- 

Rick Cheatham 7:45
yep. They came right back to back. 

Rich Bennett 7:46
Yep. 

Rick Cheatham 7:47
Man, it 

Rich Bennett 7:47
Yeah. 

Rick Cheatham 7:47
was like, "Firefighter's cops. Who do you want to be?" And I didn't want to be a cop. 

Rich Bennett 7:51
And I think they even did a cross-promotion. 

Rick Cheatham 7:54
Probably did. 

Rich Bennett 7:55
Yeah. 

Rick Cheatham 7:55
They probably did, 

Rich Bennett 7:56
-- Oh, 

Rick Cheatham 7:56
yeah, 

Rich Bennett 7:57
my God. You know, now we're going to have to -- when we're done, we have to turn on Pluto TV 

Rick Cheatham 8:02
for high 

Rich Bennett 8:02
and watch. Yeah. 

Rick Cheatham 8:02
Yeah. It's funny to go back and watch those old episodes 

because you see just how far the fire service has progressed 

since the '70s. I mean, it's quite interesting to see the differences between then and now. 

But, you know, one of the reasons I didn't pursue it right away was I ended up after the military. I just started getting into stupid 

Rich Bennett 8:30
trouble. Uh-oh. 

Rick Cheatham 8:30
I just got to a place where, you know, I was lost. I was circling the drain. 

Rich Bennett 8:37
Right. 

Rick Cheatham 8:38
And 

after a couple of DUIs, you know, you pretty much just look at your life and go, "Shoot. Well, that dream's gone. I guess I better pass on that one. I ain't no way I'm going to ever be a fireman now." But the dream never died. 

It took me 

10 to 15 years of rebranding myself so that I was no longer-- I didn't have the track record of my past. And one of the questions I was asked when I finally got hired by the department I was-- you know, Anaheim was, you know, what do you contribute your change to?" And 

Rich Bennett 9:21
"Oh, 

Rick Cheatham 9:21
I just, quite frankly, I just said, "Jesus Christ." I mean, 

Rich Bennett 9:26
yeah, 

Rick Cheatham 9:27
I came to know him in a different way. I was raised in religion. My dad was a pastor or preacher. So I just completely... I pushed all that away. There was that side of me as a kid that was embarrassed of his father who didn't want any part to do with church or religion. I didn't help any that I was coming out of a very fundamental, legalistic mindset of 

religion, although I am so thankful that I did. I'm so thankful that that's the life that I had because it grounded me in ways that I didn't even know was happening. I can't tell you how many times I go back and I reflect on my spiritual principles and look back and go, "Wow, you were taught that a very young age, Rick." 

Rich Bennett 10:19
yeah. 

Rick Cheatham 10:19
Not many people are given that opportunity to learn these things. Whether or not you capitalize on them or not, they're still in there. You're still hearing it. You're still part of your foundation. So I was very blessed and thankful that that was my journey. But I had to live a prodigal son lifestyle that finally brought me back home. 

Rich Bennett 10:40
It's amazing when we're younger and the stupid things, some of us. The stupid things that we do and me and a couple of my friends have taught about this a lot. 

A lot of times I wonder how in the world I am still 

Rick Cheatham 10:54
here 

Rich Bennett 10:54
with all the stupid stuff that I used to do. But yeah, the saying is, we were young and stupid. 

Rick Cheatham 11:01
Just like every other kid in America, we all do stupid things when we're young. I'm just thankful it was before cell phones and videotapes. 

Rich Bennett 11:11
I was just going to 

Rick Cheatham 11:12
Well, 

Rich Bennett 11:12
mention that too because all that stuff you were doing compared to now when people will post stuff on social media or whatever, deleted thinking that it goes away, which it doesn't. 

That stuff you were doing back then, if it was on social media, 

Rick Cheatham 11:32
I 

Rich Bennett 11:32
think you actually would have gotten into the fire department. 

Rick Cheatham 11:35
No way. No way. 

Rich Bennett 11:37
A lot of people don't realize 

Rick Cheatham 11:39
No way because a lot of the investigative backgrounds that they look into is your social 

Rich Bennett 11:45
it. 

Rick Cheatham 11:45
media. 

Rich Bennett 11:46
Yeah. 

Rick Cheatham 11:46
I mean, as a fire captain, we used to hear all the stories. I'd be doing an interview with a potential firefighter coming up. One of the things you look at is the investigators go back and they look at their social media and then they come back and they tell the fire department, "Well, this is what it got, this is what we 

Rich Bennett 12:06
see." 

Rick Cheatham 12:06
I don't know. It might be a red flag. It might be cautious. So people have actually not passed that process going on to the next stage because of social media. 

Rich Bennett 12:17
And I know if the police department is the same way. I think the only one that doesn't do anything is the military. 

But he... A lot of businesses do. You 

Rick Cheatham 12:28
to. 

Rich Bennett 12:28
have 

Rick Cheatham 12:28
Oh yeah, you have to because you're dealing with credibility, you're dealing with trust, you're dealing with character. And you know, despite what most people want to say or think, that's a very, very important aspect of a man's journey. Now, with that said, what's even more powerful is when you can take man's life and you can see the transition, you can see, "Wow, that guy's growing." So when I was in my late teens, early 20s and in the military, the lifestyles totally different. I mean, 

Rich Bennett 13:06
a 

Rick Cheatham 13:06
you did what you... It was all about partying. It was all about the experience. It's about being in Europe. It was about traveling Europe. It was about, you know, the party aspect. It was more than just, "I'm going to sign up because I want to be a soldier." So I wanted to sign up because I wanted the experience of traveling. I wanted the experience of seeing other things 

Rich Bennett 13:32
and 

Rick Cheatham 13:33
experiencing other things. And I went off the deep end there for a while. And I experienced drugs and alcohol like there was no tomorrow. 

Rich Bennett 13:41
So 

Rick Cheatham 13:42
today is a different story. 

Rich Bennett 13:43
I was going to say, I guess with the addiction, is that what it was, drugs and alcohol? 

Rick Cheatham 13:47
Well, the drugs and alcohol were a very small part of it, but it led me into a promiscuous lifestyle. And so my drug, a choice, became sexual. It became 

Rich Bennett 13:59
Okay. 

Rick Cheatham 14:00
pern... 

Rich Bennett 14:00
Which is not uncommon. 

Rick Cheatham 14:02
Not very... It's not uncommon at all today. But... Or even back then. I mean, I remember the first time I heard about sexual addiction. I think it was... "Mm-hmm." Wade Boggs, the Boston Red Sox, was talking about his struggle, and at the time we are all thinking like, "Man, that's just a cop out. That's not. 

Rich Bennett 14:21
Right. 

Rick Cheatham 14:21
That's- no one's addicted to that stuff." 

Rich Bennett 14:24
See ya. 

Rick Cheatham 14:25
Yeah, they are, in a powerful way, and it's probably one of the most, it's probably one of the most hideous of the addictions because it stems from- 

Not- not understanding how to have an adult- intimate relationship. 

Rich Bennett 14:42
Mm-hmm. 

Rick Cheatham 14:42
It's all revolves around childhood, 

adolescent-style relationships, which is, "What can you do for me?" 

Rich Bennett 14:52
Yeah. 

Rick Cheatham 14:53
Instead of, "How can I- how can I meet your need? How can I be of- of importance to you? What can I do for you as a- as a- as a spouse 

Rich Bennett 15:04
right, 

Rick Cheatham 15:04
to make your life better, and to make your journey 

much more enjoyable? 

Rich Bennett 15:12
How are you able to overcome that addiction?" 

Rick Cheatham 15:15
Started to realize that, well, first of all, before I can answer that I have to go back to tell the story that led up to that. 

Rich Bennett 15:24
okay, 

Rick Cheatham 15:24
I was very, very interested in finding a wife out of the military. So right out of the military, you know, I started dating, and the intention was I wanted to find a wife. So, 

Rich Bennett 15:36
wait a minute. Back up a minute. You said, "Aither the military?" 

Rick Cheatham 15:40
mm-hmm, 

Rich Bennett 15:41
All 

Rick Cheatham 15:41
yeah. 

Rich Bennett 15:41
right, that's 

Rick Cheatham 15:41
I 

Rich Bennett 15:41
a- 

Rick Cheatham 15:41
had filed, 

Rich Bennett 15:42
because 

Rick Cheatham 15:42
well, 

Rich Bennett 15:42
most people went to Waltherhead. 

Rick Cheatham 15:44
Well, you know, I had- I had been sewing the wild oats for 

Rich Bennett 15:48
Oh, 

Rick Cheatham 15:48
the time that I was there, 

Rich Bennett 15:49
yeah. 

Rick Cheatham 15:49
and I 

Rich Bennett 15:50
Okay. 

Rick Cheatham 15:50
was getting disknit- and then even afterwards, I, you know, I still- I was into drugs, still into alcohol. 

Rich Bennett 15:56
Yeah. 

Rick Cheatham 15:58
But feeling so empty inside, because of my upbringing, because 

Rich Bennett 16:02
Right. 

Rick Cheatham 16:02
of the way my mom and dad brought me up, understanding the spiritual side of a relationship with the maker, the creator. 

Rich Bennett 16:10
Right. 

Rick Cheatham 16:11
And I was just feeling empty inside, and I knew that having a wife would settle me down and get me going in the right direction. So I prayed for a woman. I prayed for a wife. I prayed, "Lord, I pray that she's five foot two to five foot three weighs 103 to 105 pounds, dark complexion, dark black hair, stunningly beautiful. When she walked into a room, everybody's head would turn because she was so classy, so elegant. I prayed for her personality. I prayed for her character. I even prayed for how she would treat me in the intimate settings of a husband and wife. 

Rich Bennett 16:46
Wow. 

Rick Cheatham 16:46
And it was very, very detailed. And two weeks later, the exact representation of what I had in my head showed up at- 

Rich Bennett 16:54
Oh, come on. 

Rick Cheatham 16:55
Exactly. To a T. To a T. And that's when my life completely changed when I thought, "Holy cow, God 

Rich Bennett 17:03
really 

Rick Cheatham 17:03
is that 

Rich Bennett 17:04
does answer your prayer." 

Rick Cheatham 17:05
He does. It really that it's that real, it's that significant. Unfortunately, religion is watered down the spiritual practices 

of manifestation, the spiritual practices of meditation, the spiritual practices of just understanding 

the dynamic of who your creator is and where your creator lives. He lives within us. So our creator is now housed in this temple we call a body. And he is there for us and not to judge as condemnous and sent us to a devil's hell for eternity. 

Rich Bennett 17:35
Right. 

Rick Cheatham 17:36
And once that switch was made, that was a big part of it was my wife showing up in my life. Well, I took that manifested prayer, and in 10 years, 10 years with two children, I went from my answered prayer to her telling me, "I hate you, I hate God, I hate the church, I quit." And she was walking out the door with two boys because my sexual addiction was just not under control. I was, I got to the place where it was started off with just pornography. Then from pornography, it went into strip clubs and then from strip clubs, I was chasing it down the street in prostitution and, you know, just completely, completely auguring in. And a lot of that had to do with I was just not complete as a man. I was holding on to a lot of baggage, a lot of the trauma that I dealt with growing up as a kid. And, you know, I just, I validated myself through sexual promiscuity. And now my wife was out the door ready to quit on everything. And that's when I made the switch. That's when I had to make the change. And what I did is I found a guy that mentored me. He coached me. First of all, I read a book, the book was by an author by the name of Kenneth Nehr and the book title was "Understanding the Mind of a Woman." 

Rich Bennett 19:03
Oh, wow. 

Rick Cheatham 19:04
And it was so in depth, and it just cut me to the heart, just saying, "Wow, I have no idea how to understand the mind of a woman." And that brought me to a place where I was able to meet my mentor and coach for the next three and a half years. And Kevin and his wife, Deborah, led my wife and I through a transformation that would have never taken place otherwise. And that transformation took me down the road of understanding why my addiction was taking over my life. And 

Rich Bennett 19:40
Right. 

Rick Cheatham 19:40
a lot of that had to do with just the way that I internalized my own pain. I was a victim of, you know, some abuse. I was a victim of my own thoughts and ideas behind religion. I was a victim of society coming up through the ranks trying to get on with the fire department. I was too white. I was too male and I was too old in an agenda that was driven by affirmative action. And that all was all part of trying to figure my way through what could be considered as being victimized by life. 

Rich Bennett 20:22
Yeah. 

Rick Cheatham 20:23
And when you become victimized by life, you have no control. And when you spin out of control, you start vibrating at a different level emotionally. And so instead of me pouring all of my energies into the God of my creation, I started to become more resentful about it. I became more of a duty. I became more of a hassle. 

My God was turning into more of a judgmental, critical and man-rich if people knew what you were doing. No one would want to be around you or like you. And your hope is that one day could overcome this, but you're going to struggle through life. Well, that was a lie that I was telling myself. 

Rich Bennett 21:15
you 

Rick Cheatham 21:15
And the lie was that somehow I was going to be judged for being confused and being unaware of the direction that my life was going. And so as I started to learn more about spirituality and away from the religious aspect, I started to vibrate at a different level. And that vibration was more of a positive, happy, outgoing where it rather than discouraged, negative, depressed. And there's a frequency scale. I don't know if you're familiar with it, but there's a frequency scale that we all vibrate at. And the highest vibration one can possibly live life in is authenticity. If you are authentic with who you are, you vibrate. I think they say somewhere up around 750 megahertz or something. I could be off with all that, but it's a high vibrational 

Rich Bennett 22:10
Yeah. 

Rick Cheatham 22:10
frequency. And then courage is at 200. 

Rich Bennett 22:14
Huh? 

Rick Cheatham 22:15
Yeah, courage is at 200. So from 200 up, those are the vibrational frequencies. Well, think about it. It takes courage to even get to that level where you want to vibrate and be more of an inspiration. So you have to have a courage to go within and do your own work. And so once you vibrate at that courageous level of 200 megahertz or above, all the addictions just fall away. Now I'm not going to say that that's the case for everybody, but here's the bottom line is the frequency at which you vibrate at that lower levels of 200 or less cause you to be depressed, cause you to be angry. Cause you to feel bitterness and resentment and judgmental. And those are all the lower vibrational frequencies that we all have. And you could use it. You could say it somewhere like this is more like a linear line of polarity. So 

Rich Bennett 23:09
Okay. 

Rick Cheatham 23:09
on one end you got positive on the other end you got negative. And that polarity scale can be up and down your entire life. So the more you think about the negative things in life. the more you're going to vibrate at the negative frequencies of life and that's where addictions come in that's where anesthetizing the pain comes in with whatever it is that you choose and mine happened to be sex. So you asked the question how did you come out of that? I started understanding that my mindset created the negative polarity that was equivalent to the addictive cycles and your mindset 

Rich Bennett 23:51
Right. 

Rick Cheatham 23:51
and so now what I do is I help men get out of that discouragement level that below 200 and get them to recognize that courage isn't what you know people would classify a firefighter as you know he's courageous because he's willing to run into a building he's courageous because of the work he does he puts his life on the line yeah that's physical 

Rich Bennett 24:12
Yeah. 

Rick Cheatham 24:12
but emotionally the courage is do you the courage to go within and understand how childhood trauma has affected you as an adult to make the decisions you do today and the courage to go inside and do the work their first is what helps and causes you to then vibrate up rather than vibrate down if that make 

Rich Bennett 24:38
interest yeah it does 

Rick Cheatham 24:40
it's a different way of looking at addiction I mean my father's 28 years sober 

Rich Bennett 24:45
wow 

Rick Cheatham 24:45
and you know he's in the 12-step program and he does some great great work my brother also is a recovering alcoholic and doing great work in the 12-step programs which I am totally for I'm not saying 

Rich Bennett 24:58
right 

Rick Cheatham 24:59
there's in but those are those are those are designed to help you get in touch with the spiritual concepts that help you vibrate at that higher level 

Rich Bennett 25:10
you alright so you mentioned um when you were going through this your wife left you took the kid 

Rick Cheatham 25:18
she didn't leave me she said she was going to leave oh 

Rich Bennett 25:20
she said 

Rick Cheatham 25:20
but 

Rich Bennett 25:20
she 

Rick Cheatham 25:20
I had to I yeah 

Rich Bennett 25:22
okay 

Rick Cheatham 25:23
if I didn't change my way she was out the door for 

Rich Bennett 25:24
okay 

Rick Cheatham 25:25
sure 

Rich Bennett 25:25
but something something you else you said was that well you said she hated you and he did God and religion 

Rick Cheatham 25:35
and the yeah and the church did 

Rich Bennett 25:36
church 

Rick Cheatham 25:37
everything 

Rich Bennett 25:39
yeah how is her faith now 

Rick Cheatham 25:42
strong yeah we've been married almost 40 years now and today 

Rich Bennett 25:46
really 

Rick Cheatham 25:46
is 

Rich Bennett 25:46
that 

Rick Cheatham 25:46
we we look at we look at what we went through and you know and a lot of men and women do they they see they see the initial seven years mine took 10 so they see that first seven years and all the work that goes into two human beings coming together and trying to navigate life you know through the 

Rich Bennett 26:11
there 

Rick Cheatham 26:11
lens of another person and it becomes very 

contentious at times and it becomes uh littered with conflict and unresolved conflicts and that causes us to then start to vibrate in that lower degree that lower level again and that's where my life was going my life was going in that direction because I didn't know how to 

be I didn't know how to show up 

Rich Bennett 26:39
right 

Rick Cheatham 26:40
as the man I needed to show up for my wife I was more 

checking off the boxes you know we went to church three times a week I had a career I was supporting my family um and those are the things that are the okay you gotta that's a good checkmark for you that you're doing the good things but inside I was still empty inside I was still struggling inside I was torn apart because I didn't deal with the trauma and the pain and the hurt 

what happens when you grow up 

Rich Bennett 27:17
yeah 

Rick Cheatham 27:18
as a young man I mean the the the the mind is is uh is in the theta state from ages one to eight it's in that state where uh subconsciously you're being programmed with your belief systems how you handle stress how you handle emotion how you navigate life as a one to eight year old now think about that we are we are raised who have their own traumas that they had to deal with, who had their own issues that they've had to navigate through. And then they were raised by grandparents, your grandparents before that. And so we've got this lineage of belief systems and the way we deal with our emotions that are passed down. And we just take them on as ourselves because it's normal. So most of the stuff we do in life and the things we believe aren't even our beliefs. They're not even ours to hold-- we just hold on and we gravitate towards because that's what we were programmed to believe at 

Rich Bennett 28:22
by parents 

Rick Cheatham 28:22
that 

Rich Bennett 28:22
yeah 

Rick Cheatham 28:23
young age. So for me, having to go back and actually do the internal work of-- 

understanding what that was, how it happened, why it happened, and how I can now change that narrative to work for me rather than against me. And that is the biggest hurdle in overcoming the addictive cycles is going back in and changing the narrative, changing the story behind why it is you do what you do in a way that becomes more positive, 

more responsible, 

more reliable, now you're actually taking the adult mind and you are now re-parenting the child mind and you're allowing the child to be a participant with you rather than forgetting that he's still there. So much of our time we grow up and we don't even realize how much of our younger child are running the programs of our lives. And we can't figure out why it's happening. Why is it that I keep cycling through this addictive mentality? Well, it's because you're proving to yourself that you're not worthy. You're 

Rich Bennett 29:39
because 

Rick Cheatham 29:39
proving to yourself that you're not lovable. You're proving to yourself that whatever belief system that you had growing up, you now validating that in your cycles in life as an adult. And with me, that we came very evident when my wife told me, I hate you, I hate God, I hate the church, I quit. I knew there was way more. I knew that I loved my wife more than anything. I knew that I prayed for. I knew that everything-- 

Rich Bennett 30:07
God gave 

Rick Cheatham 30:07
It's supposed to. God gave her to me. 

Rich Bennett 30:09
you, or gave her to you, yeah. 

Rick Cheatham 30:10
And now I've taken-- now I've taken her heart and completely trashed it and thrown it like it meant nothing. And that caused me to have an emotional awareness that says, OK, I've got to figure this out. And I did with the help of my mentor, with the help of an author from that book. I spent the next three and a half years just in learning how to navigate that cycle of unworthiness that kept me stuck in that addictive loop. 

Rich Bennett 30:40
You're listening to the conversations with Rich Bennett. We'll be right back. 

Maryland Pickers is a local junk removal service. And they also have dumpster rentals as well. I actually called Jeremy when we were doing our spring clean this year. And he brought the dumpster out. And quick to answer the phone. He came out the day he said he was going to pick it up. Answered all my questions. Everything was fine. Phenomenal, very professional to work with. So if you're looking for junk removal service, if you're looking to rent a dumpster, contact Maryland Pickers. Go to MarylandPickers.com or give them a call at 

443-2061859. Again, it's 

443-206-1859. Tell them that Rich from Hartford County, Livingston. And what was the name of that book again? 

Rick Cheatham 31:34
It was called "How to Understand the Mind of a Woman" by Kenneth Nair. 

Rich Bennett 31:39
How did you-- first of all, that's his mind boggling that-- it was a man that wrote that. But how did you end up finding that book? 

Rick Cheatham 31:48
My mom gave it to me. 

Rich Bennett 31:50
Really? 

Rick Cheatham 31:50
Yeah, my mom gave it to me. 

Rich Bennett 31:54
Wow. 

Rick Cheatham 31:54
And I don't know how she found it, but she found it. She gave it to me. I read that book from cover to cover within probably a day and a half, two days. And then I read it again. And then I read it again. And it was like, holy cow, the light bulb just kept coming on. And what it was, it was basically a short-- the relationship between a husband and a wife-- as much as you want to think it's about you, it's really about you reflecting-- or your wife reflecting-- like a mirror who you are. And so she was reflecting the enemy within me. So all the conflict we were having and the conflict she would have with me, it was all our reflection. in the mirror of another human being. And so it really wasn't them. It really wasn't me doing it to her. It really wasn't her doing it to me. It was what I was seeing as a reflection of myself in her. And as I saw that reflection, I didn't like what I was seeing. And it was up to me to change that. The Bible talks about this principle 

of taking the beam out of your own eye before you can see clearly how to remove the spec from your brother's eye. And so the dynamic that I use we are learning to take the beam out of our eye when we go inside and do the work internally 

Rich Bennett 33:20
is 

Rick Cheatham 33:20
to understand who we are, why we're the way we are, and how to become the best version of ourself so that we can have an impact for good in this world rather than cycle us out of control and continue with the generational sin, 

generational trauma of whatever it is that you were brought up to believe were your belief systems. 

Rich Bennett 33:45
So how long was it, after you and your wife worked everything out, how long was it before you became a marriage coach? 

Rick Cheatham 33:54
It took me about 10 years to 

Rich Bennett 33:56
Okay. 

Rick Cheatham 33:56
get to a place 

where I could walk through. It took me 10 years to earn a trust back. That was the main reason. I was trying to build trust. I had set a new track record. 

And it was in that new track record and proving to her and myself that no matter what, I was committed to this lifestyle. I was committed to her that she was able to, she forgave me off the bat. Don't give me 

Rich Bennett 34:23
Right. 

Rick Cheatham 34:23
wrong. I mean, she forgave me, but the trust factor was a hard hurdle to overcome. And once the trust was earned, we started to pour into the lives of other men, other couples, men and women, who were struggling with their own addictions. And so we spent several years with our church. 

Rich Bennett 34:43
Okay. 

Rick Cheatham 34:43
As lay counselors, if you will, 

Rich Bennett 34:45
Yeah. 

Rick Cheatham 34:46
helping, in fact, they labeled us as the 911 response to marriage. We were dealing with the ones that no one knew how to deal with. 

Rich Bennett 34:55
Oh wow. 

Rick Cheatham 34:56
You know, when you deal with betrayal, when you deal with betrayal, that is a hurdle that is not easily overcome, especially in the heart of a woman, especially from her heart. 'Cause it's very personal. It's an identity issue. You are choosing this over that. You're choosing her over me. You're choosing porn over our relationship. And it becomes a very debilitating identity crisis. For a woman who's been betrayed 

at the hand of her husband, her lover, and 

Rich Bennett 35:36
Yeah. 

Rick Cheatham 35:36
especially for me, the one who prayed for her to come into his life. And I basically took that prayer as though it meant nothing, but here's the reality of it is. Prayers are not always answered in the way that we think they need to be answered. Now let me explain to you. Now I told you what I prayed for, right? 

Rich Bennett 35:54
But 

Rick Cheatham 35:55
here's how I ended the prayer. But Lord, most importantly, I pray that she will help me become the man of God you want me to be. Amen. I didn't know what that meant. I had no idea what that meant. All I knew was I felt pretty bad that I was praying this carnal-minded prayer for the physicality of this beautiful woman that's gonna rescue me, and we're gonna 

Rich Bennett 36:16
Right. 

Rick Cheatham 36:16
live happily ever after. And enjoy just the intimacy that I always longed for and required me to go to hell for 10 years. 

Rich Bennett 36:26
Wow, I 

Rick Cheatham 36:27
learned those lessons of life in a very powerful way. 

Rich Bennett 36:32
Something very important that you mentioned, you said it took her 10 years to earn your trust back. And forget, well, she says she forgave you right away. 

Rick Cheatham 36:41
Yeah. 

Rich Bennett 36:41
But, and this is something a lot of people don't think about, how long did it take for you to earn your own trust back and forgive yourself? 

Rick Cheatham 36:53
You know, I, that's a very good question. 

In all reality, that's something that I've just learned to do here in the last two or three years. 

Rich Bennett 37:06
Really? 

Rick Cheatham 37:07
Yeah, and a lot of that had to do with the injury that I sustained when I fell and I broke my neck and was paralyzed from the chest down. Had a lot of time to contemplate and think about. My story goes from, you know, from the answer prayer to the addictive cycles that nearly destroyed us. 

To a career that was absolutely phenomenal. One that I never worked a day in my life as a result of because I loved what I did. 

Um, to then retire, or, well, even at the end of my career, my son was murdered. So I lost my son at 52. And then by the time I retired and moved to Nashville, that was my late 50s. I fell and broke my neck. So I was dealing with rebounded trauma from my son's murder to my broken neck, that trauma. And so I was dealing with that in a way that really took me down another dark, dark path. And it scared the living bejeebies out, I mean, I said, man, I cannot have, in fact, my wife said, look, we've been through way too much for you to give up on life now. And it 

Rich Bennett 38:12
True. 

Rick Cheatham 38:12
feels like you are giving up. And I was, I was giving up. I, I, I try to navigate my son's death. And as a grieving parent, just about destroyed me, man. I mean, it just, it was one of those things that I just like, why me? I mean, I've been, I've put so much effort into becoming this new man, only to be hit 

with this, this event where now I'm a grieving dad. And then, then on top of that, I fall and I break my neck. And so I, I looked at life like I'm being judged. I must have done something terrible. Life, life is just too hard. God must not really love me. 

I had all these reasons why this could be the case. What a boil down to was the ability to forgive. that's what it came down to. See, my wife forgave 

Rich Bennett 39:07
Yeah, 

Rick Cheatham 39:07
me. My wife was the first person to forgive the unforgivable me. And she did it in such a way that created our family that we have today. After she forgave me and we started to work on our relationships 10 years in We had a third child and her name is Victoria because it was represented a victory in our marriage in the way 

Rich Bennett 39:32
beautiful. 

Rick Cheatham 39:32
that we now navigate live. So now we've got this beautiful 20, she'll be 25 years old this year. So I've got this beautiful 25 year old soon to be girl that represents to me the victory that we had in our marriage. Well, that victory took a lot of work as we went on. And as I started to navigate through helping other man doing the service work, it really, it really brought me out of my shell, out of my depression. Well, when Michael died and I ended up breaking my neck, that kind of threw me back into that crucible of life again. 

Rich Bennett 40:08
Right. 

Rick Cheatham 40:09
And what I realized was I was holding on to the resentment, bitterness and anger towards the man that murdered my son. And by holding on to those resentments, that's that negative polarity that I was talking about earlier, where when you think about when you ruminate on things, what you think, you become. So as a man thinks so easy. So as I was ruminating on the unfairness of my life, I was ruminating on being a victim of my life. I was ruminating on the man who betrayed me at such a level by stealing and killing my son. I was ruminating on not having him around. I was ruminating on the what ifs, you know, what kind of father would he have been? What kind of husband would he have been? What kind of man would he have been? What would he have accomplished in life? And everything was regulated to the past. I was always thinking, well, what if, 

Rich Bennett 41:01
what if there? 

Rick Cheatham 41:01
And then that caused me to think on those things. And as you think you create, so I was creating the very thing that I was ruminating on, which is my past. And so what I had to learn to do is stop thinking about the past because that's where fear is and start thinking about the future where the anticipation of faith takes place where you can actually create a life that's worthy of living. And as I navigated through that cycle, I forgave the man who murdered my son in a way that was authentically real that was more than just lip service. 

Rich Bennett 41:39
say 

Rick Cheatham 41:39
Yeah, I could 

Rich Bennett 41:40
really 

Rick Cheatham 41:40
forgive you, but. 

Rich Bennett 41:41
Yeah. 

Rick Cheatham 41:42
To actually believe it and 

feel empathy for him. Feel empathy for him. Feel a sense of, wow, now, what? What was it that this guy has gone through in his life 

Rich Bennett 41:54
Right. 

Rick Cheatham 41:55
that would say, it's okay to murder a 23 year old man? And 

Rich Bennett 41:59
Yeah. 

Rick Cheatham 41:59
what was going on in your head. So having that and then it realized, then it dawned on me. The very man that he was was me. 

Rich Bennett 42:08
Wow. 

Rick Cheatham 42:08
That's who I was with my wife. When I betrayed her at those levels of, of adultery and pornography and all the things that encapsulated in our relationship. And she forgave me anyway. 

Rich Bennett 42:23
Yeah. 

Rick Cheatham 42:24
When that time finally came for me to process my grief in that way, it was like the light bulb came on. And so it started me down a track of learning how to forgive. So forgiving him was number one. Then I realized, well, you know what? I really haven't even forgiven myself. 

Rich Bennett 42:42
Right. 

Rick Cheatham 42:43
And so it started me down journey on learning how to forgive myself. And you know what? Not only have I not fully forgiven myself, I am even forgiven some of the stuff my parents did to me. I've been holding on to this stuff for 50 plus years. And I had to, you know, start, so it started me down the track of learning to forgive. For all of the right reasons rather than to forgive because it was out of my duty as a 

Rich Bennett 43:08
Right. 

Rick Cheatham 43:08
Christian, well, you know, you got to forgive him. Well, yeah, I'll tell you what. I'll forgive him. Yeah, I say I forgive you. But the reality of life is when you're faced with forgiving the unforgivable, that's a journey you got to do inside. That's something that starts from within you. And when you start the work within you, that's you removing the beam from your eye so that you can see clearly exactly how much lack of forgiveness your life really represents. You hold on to grudges, you hold on to animosity, you hold on to conflicts, you hold on to judgments, you hold on to criticisms. And we hold onto these things. The wife that didn't change her ways, the husband that divorced me and left me, the career that didn't work out, the children that aren't doing what they're supposed to do or whatever the case, whatever excuse, you want to give her cells and I gave myself plenty of them. When you hold on to that, 

you become 

Rich Bennett 44:09
that. Yeah. 

Rick Cheatham 44:10
And so for somebody who struggles with addiction, one of the major things that they're doing is they're struggling with the inability to forgive themselves for what they've caused, not only in their lives, but in the lives of other people. And believe me, my head was going down that track again and scared the bjb's out of. 

Rich Bennett 44:27
Oh, I bet 

Rick Cheatham 44:27
I can't do this. I can't, we've put up where we've gone through way too much to end like this and it just started me on that on that journey again of of learning how to forgive myself for the experiences that I had that created turmoil in the lives of others and myself. And after navigating that for the last three years, two or three years, it lit a fire under me again. I wonder how many men out there are struggling with this still. I 

Rich Bennett 45:03
Oh, 

Rick Cheatham 45:03
know I did for many years. So if it's, if I struggled with it, there's a good chance many others are struggling with. 

Rich Bennett 45:09
I would 

Rick Cheatham 45:09
So what 

Rich Bennett 45:09
say 

Rick Cheatham 45:09
that? 

Rich Bennett 45:10
so. 

Rick Cheatham 45:11
So that turned me to the to the corner. Now what I do is, you know, my fire hood brother, my brotherhood of the fire services of families, we call it a fire family for a reason, because it's you're living with these people 24 hours a day. 

Rich Bennett 45:26
Yeah. 

Rick Cheatham 45:27
Every day you're at work. And they become a family. And I saw a lot of my brothers and sisters suffering in ways that I could relate to, but it's still at a level that I'm not sure I want to jump in and get my feet wet in that environment again, because that means I've got to go back and experience that pain again. That means I need to go back and experience that trauma. 

Rich Bennett 45:55
and right. 

Rick Cheatham 45:55
But through the lens of their lives, not mine, and I didn't know if I can handle it well. After going through this last two, three years, it became very evident to me that my purpose was to go back into the fire service. And help men navigate as husbands in the lives of their relationships so that they can break that trauma, that trend, that generational trauma 

Rich Bennett 46:17
Mm-hmm 

Rick Cheatham 46:18
that gets passed on to their children and then their children's children. And me now looking at it, I had to go through everything I did to get to this place. So the moral of this story is never discount what you're going through in life. Adversities, challenges, setbacks, conflicts are all designed for a purpose. 

Rich Bennett 46:45
for 

Rick Cheatham 46:46
And the purpose is for you to find the gift. in that adversity rather than define the guilt. When you look for the gift rather than the guilt, you will cycle back out of that. You will start to find your way down that polarity scale more on the higher frequency ends of 200 or above. That's where you get the courage to do the work. And then from there, it just starts going up and up and up. So unconditional love and authenticity are the two highest vibrational frequencies that a man or a woman 

can experience. 

Rich Bennett 47:25
Yeah. 

Rick Cheatham 47:25
And when you do that, it starts to attract the people that you need to have in your life so that you could be a service to them. And that's what I found out is that the more that I started to put myself out there, the more people were attracted to what I was doing and what I was teaching. And so finding that little sweet spot was going back into the fire service, back into my brotherhood, back into my fire family. And pouring into them at a level that I had never done before. 

Rich Bennett 47:56
That is great. I want to thank you for that because-- Think about that. You know, going back in helping those that you served with. And I tried to do that a while ago. I started another podcast, strictly to talk to people in the military and first responders. Mainly about like PTSD 

Rick Cheatham 48:20
that 

Rich Bennett 48:20
and everything. But I found because being a veteran, I figured they'd be comfortable talking to me about it. Rick Iainlien, it was very hard to find Guest. And I just gave up on that podcast, and said, if that's the case, I'll just bring them on this one. Because this way, other more people hear it. And if I'm helping them, or they're helping me, either way, then I know some listeners are being helped as well. 

Actually, something else I love to ask, because you do the coaching and everything. Can you share a story or two of-- you don't have to mention any names about someone that you were able to help through the coaching? Or even the speaking? 

Rick Cheatham 49:11
[CHUCKLES] 

I got a phone call. 

It's probably-- I was right around the Christmas time. So I was right around the end of the year first of this year. 

And it was from a very close friend of mine who knew a guy who was in the fire service who was struggling 

and wanted to commit suicide. 

And I called him up, talked with him for a while. And he was in a place where, but you don't understand. You just don't understand. My wife has given up. There's no hope. There's no way I could 

ever save this marriage. And my wife just doesn't love me anymore. My wife wants a divorce. She's done. I've blown it. And I don't even know if I want to live anymore. I mean, I can't live without my family. And one of the things that we were able to talk about is your wife-- in the way that you're showing up right now, the way you show up-- your wife is discouraged. Your wife is done. She's over it. She doesn't want anything to do with it. Do it with you anymore. I get that. My wife did the same thing to me. I showed up at a certain way. And she hated me, God, and the church. And she quit. So here was my challenge to him. If you will do the work on transforming the way you think about who you are and 

show up differently for your wife as somebody who is sincerely committed 

to meeting her needs at every level, your wife have a different perspective and understanding on who you are. Now, is it going to take some time? Yeah, because you've got a track record, you've got to overcome. 

Rich Bennett 51:07
will 

Rick Cheatham 51:07
So you've got to build a new track record. And he went and he did a 90-day 

in-house rehabilitation. Then he got out, and we've still stayed in contact. Him and his wife are now working it out. They are now very much on the road to recovery. And he just recently gave his life to the Lord. So 

Rich Bennett 51:31
nice. 

Rick Cheatham 51:32
The possibilities are endless 

Rich Bennett 51:35
Yeah. 

Rick Cheatham 51:35
to what you can accomplish. And it requires just one thing. It requires just a spark of hope. And that spark of hope comes from faith. And if you could have the faith of a mustard seed according to the scripture, you can move mountains. And when I talk to men today, I give them two options. In life, we look at life through the lens of two primary emotions. One is fear and the other one is love. When you look at life through the lens of fear, You are always looking in the rearview mirror at the experiences that you lost something. And the fear of losing again will keep you stuck where you cannot move forward. So you then repeat your life over and over and it turns into a rut. It turns into a cycle. It turns into discouragement disappointments. And so we stay stuck at that level of what we think about, especially what we think about ourselves. So as a man thinks so is he? The other spiritual component to that is, I believe it was Paul the Apostle said it best, he said, don't conform to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Well, transforming by the renewing of your mind doesn't mean I got to transform, go to church three times a week, make sure I got this perfect truth that I'm following and I can't step out of judge and be judged. And so we navigate life through, look at me, I got it right. That's not what he's talking about. The conformity is we conform to the world through fear. That is the lens at which the world operates. It's a lens of fear. And so they become victimized by life. So life happens to them. 

Rich Bennett 53:21
Right. 

Rick Cheatham 53:21
And because life is happening to them, they have no control. And because they have no control, they're like the ship out on the sea that just toss two and from from the waves and the winds and they have no direction. They have no way of compassing a direction in life. And so they're just tossed by from whatever event happens. And that is a miserable existence. However, there's hope. There's another side we can look at life through. Instead of looking at through the lens of fear, we can look at it through the lens of love. And what lens, what the lens of love looks like, it's the lens of faith. And faith is what you anticipate even though you don't have it yet. So you become very clear that this is who I am, even though that's not where I am yet, but this is who I am. This is what I am is what I'm going to be. These are the things I want to accomplish. And so your faith becomes anticipatory. So you anticipate 

better things. You anticipate growth. You anticipate impact. You anticipate value in your own life. And then that becomes the lives of other people that you come in contact with. And so instead of looking at the past, being tied to all of your mistakes, being tied to all of the criticism, being tied to all of the judgments that you have of yourself and others have of you as well. Because of that, now you are cutting that off. And now you're looking forward. And when you look forward with the anticipation of love, you start to see that every aspect of your life was training you to become who it is that you are. so rather than to, you know, criticize all that and criticize the journey you've been on, you embrace it and say, man, I am, it's going to sound wild, but thank God I was a sex addict. Thank God, you know, this art, you know, I lost my son. Thank God I broke my neck. These were all traumas that helped to develop me into the man I am today. That was the end of that prayer. But most importantly, Father, I pray that she will help me become the man of God you want me to be. Well, how are you going to become the man of God you want me to be if you've never faced trials. If you've never faced tribulations, if you've never played, if you never, if you never experienced adversities and hardships. 

Rich Bennett 55:42
And 

Rick Cheatham 55:42
See, we look at hardships and adversity as though somebody's doing it to us. And when you become victimized, that means you're living in fear. And when you live in fear, you're going to be critical, you're going to be judgmental, you're going to be angry, you're going to be hostile, you're going to hold on to resentments. And those are the things that are going to run through your psyche. And you will create those in your near future. So the life you want is the life you focus on. So focus on that which is good, that which is noble, that which is pure, that which is understanding. That's which is have great, that's which has grace and mercy. And stop beating yourself up and judging yourself and others as though they're worthless pieces of you know what? Because they did this to me. See, here's the reality. Life is not happening to you. Life is happening for you. Start to learn what life is happening for you for. What is it that it's happening for you so that you can create? And it became very obvious. I've got a life of addiction. I've got a marriage now that's overcome that addiction and not only had we overcome that addiction, but we've overcome the loss of a child. We've overcome the traumatic loss of my body function and being paralyzed and we did that together in a way that has transformed our lives by the way we think, instead of conforming our lives to the fears of what happened to us. That's the bottom line that I share with everybody today, especially those I counsel and coach is that changing your perspective, having that paradigm shift, changing the meaning that you give your experiences, will change the life that you have so that you can experience the life that's worth living. 

Rich Bennett 57:44
Wow, 

so I tell people how to get in touch with you because we know there are a lot of people out there that need your help. So how do they get in touch with you and also tell them about the workbook. 

Rick Cheatham 58:00
Well, the workbook is just a real quick thing that I put together in the fire service when you're dealing with mass casually incidents. You can get very overwhelmed with where to start. How do you start with chaos that's this big and you start where you're staying. So the book that I offer, the free book that I give away in my war on my website just kind of goes into that a little bit, but that's just the groundwork of where I take. 

Rich Bennett 58:27
Right, 

Rick Cheatham 58:28
so it's just basically it's start where you stand. So STA RT all having a significant impact on what those letters represent. You can get ahold of me at 

rickchitom.com or Rick at rickchitom.com. That is my website. I'm on Facebook. I'm on Instagram and all of those are linked to my website at rickchitom.com. 

Rich Bennett 58:55
So before I get to my last question, is there a first of all thank you because oh my God, I've learned a lot. Your story is amazing. You need to write a book. 

Rick Cheatham 59:08
I might be in the process of that, 

Rich Bennett 59:10
but which means if you are, you got to come back going after it's 

Rick Cheatham 59:13
I've 

Rich Bennett 59:13
finished. 

Rick Cheatham 59:13
got one of them. The first book, I'm in a process of writing a book right now called My Answered Prayer and it's the journey of my wife and I through the 40 years of what we've had to deal with to get to where we are today. And then the second book will be start where you stand, which is the spinoff of everything that I'm offering in this free pamphlet that I give in my website. It's basically taking that in digging deeper down into what that 

Rich Bennett 59:39
represents. 

Rick Cheatham 59:39
actually 

Rich Bennett 59:41
All right, so is there anything you'd like to add before I get to my last question? 

Rick Cheatham 59:45
No, go ahead. I'm ready. 

Rich Bennett 59:46
All right. And this I'm not going to answer what I normally ask. Oh my guest. Because I mean, you're everything you've been through your stories are just simply amazing and people can learn learn from them. 

When you were talking about forgiveness, I just had somebody on not too long ago and we were talking about forgiveness and you're right, you can't just say it. You have to mean it. And that would just something I add to my daily routine now. So when I get up or before I go to bed, I don't just say a prayer and say, when I'm grateful for I also will either forgive somebody something that's happening whatever and why I forget it. 

But when you mentioned about your older someone, was it Michael? 

Rick Cheatham 1:00:33
Yes. 

Rich Bennett 1:00:34
Be a murder in how you were able to forgive the person that murdered him. Do you mind sharing a story about one of your most favorite moments with your son, Michael? And even if it was with the rest of the family, it doesn't matter. But sharing one of those moments, one of those cherished moments or memories that you still have. 

Rick Cheatham 1:01:03
Some of them are pretty personal, but I will share this one. 

My son chose a career in the medical cannabis industry. So a firefighter and knowing what the implications of that could be, my wife and I were very cautious. 

Rich Bennett 1:01:31
being 

Rick Cheatham 1:01:34
We didn't always want to support that kind of deal. I mean, I understood his reasons why. And I finally got to the place where I just said, "Okay, tell me what it is that motivates you to go down this career path." And he said, "I'm tired of bearing my friends to heroin overdoses after they've been weaned off of pharmaceuticals such as opioids, dealing with injuries that they sustained through sports or whatever it was." And he said, "I have a plant that I can grow in my backyard that I can manipulate through its strains that could literally help people overcome a lot of the things that they suffer with when dealing with pharmaceutical prescriptions." 

And we looked at him, my wife and I, we said, "You know, 

there's nothing that we can do to change where you're going because your heart is in it, and we don't want to talk you out of it, but please, please be careful. We're just so afraid of what the consequences could be. And my son looked at us squaring the eyes and he said, "What are you afraid "Wow." "If I die, I go to heaven. Isn't that what you've always taught me?" "So what are you so fearful of?" And my wife looked at him and said, "Son, we're fearful of you dying first, because that's not normal. And we don't know that we could handle that." And he just looked at us and said, "If you're, I would say the way he said, if you live life afraid to die, you will never live life." 

Rich Bennett 1:03:23
"Wow." 

Rick Cheatham 1:03:24
And that is probably my most memorable exchange with my son. And that was probably a year before he died. 

Rich Bennett 1:03:38
"Wow." 

Rick Cheatham 1:03:39
"If you're not willing to die for what you believe in, then you're not really willing to live life." 

Rich Bennett 1:03:46
Yeah. 

Rick Cheatham 1:03:46
I wonder how many people are not willing to really live 

Rich Bennett 1:03:51
because 

Rick Cheatham 1:03:52
life, the fear that they have of dying, or the fear that they have of being made fun of, or the fear that they have of 

being embarrassed. 

You know. And so when we can get to the lifestyle that my son had, at only 22-23 years old, that if that's what you're fearful of, how are you really going to even live? Life is worth living. Life is worth having impact. Because when you do, you change the course of another man's life forever. And when you have that kind of an impact on another man's life, it's hard to live life without being gracious. It's hard to live life without gratitude. And that's one of the things that I've been so important for me, is learning to live life from the perspective of gratitude. I'm thankful I broke my neck. Here's why I found some precious jewels in breaking my neck. Number one, reconnected with my maker at a way, when you can't move your body and you can't do things, all you have is your mind. That's all you can do is think. And so breaking my neck brought me down a course where I was able to process my thoughts in a way that became more powerful, more empowering for me to express who I really am. Baring my son gave me the opportunity to really learn how to forgive those who are unforgivable. Going through the pornography taught me that it's not a lesson in self-deprecation. It's a lesson in understanding why we do what we do so that we can change the addictive cycles of anesthetizing that pain. So addiction is all about anesthetizing pain. 

Rich Bennett 1:05:40
being 

Rick Cheatham 1:05:40
So find out why you got the pain and now you can overcome the addiction. It's a beautiful thing. So when you look for the gift in the adversities, that's where you find the empowerment but most of us, we look at the guilt rather than the gift. We look at the shame rather than to find the purpose. We seek to blame others rather than to accept responsibility for the way that we interpret life and how it's happening. And so when we become victims, 

you cannot have gratitude. Those two don't, they don't, they don't line up. You can't live a life of fear and a life of love. You cannot live a life of gratitude and live a life of victimization. You can't serve two masters, as the scripture says. "You will either love the one or rebuke the other, or you'll do it vice versa. "You can't live both lifestyles. "So at what point do we get sick and tired of being sick and tired of living the life of being a victim? "It's when challenges have happened to you at such a level where you get to the point where you say I give up, I quit." And that's when you can reach out to your Creator and your Creator says, "Okay, are you ready now to get off the miracle round of life? "Are you ready now to stop going round and round life on the marigold round of addiction, of victimization, "of blaming, of resentment, of hostility, of anger, of broken promises, of broken relationships? "Are you ready now that you've experienced all of this to have an impact, not only on your life, "but on the lives of everyone that comes after you and for them, "so that they can be free from the prison of their addictive cycles that keep them stuck "to thinking they're worthless POSs with no accountability to ever have any hope of change 

"because life sucks and it happens to me instead of for me. "But that's the biggest lie we're all told. 

Rich Bennett 1:07:44
"You

Rick Cheatham 1:07:45
don't get the life you want, you get the life you focus on, "so focus on a life worthy of living, focus on a life that has an impact on yourself and others, "and watch what happens, I guarantee it, I guarantee it, your life will change on a dime "once you understand how your thoughts keep you stuck."

Rich Bennett 1:08:06
Rick, I want to thank you so much. I mean, God, those of you listening, I know you've learned a lot, please, please, please, get back to me, tell me what you've learned, and if you need Rick's assistance, make sure you go to his website and connect with him, and I'll have the link for that in the show notes. Rick, again, thank you so much, God bless you, it's been a true honor and a pleasure to have you on. 

Rick Cheatham 1:08:39
Well, thank you, Rich, I appreciate that very much, and I'm so thankful for what you do and blessed that we were able to finally connect. 

Rich Bennett 1:08:47
I have a funny feeling this isn't the last time, we're going to be connecting again in the future. 

Rick Cheatham 1:08:52
I sure hope so. 

Rich Bennett 1:08:54
Thank you for listening to the conversations with Rich Bennett. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and learned something from it as I did. If you'd like to hear more conversations like this, be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. And if you have a moment, I'd love it if you could leave a review. It helps us reach more listeners and share more incredible stories. Don't forget to connect with us on social media, or visit our website at ConversationsWithRichPenet.com for updates, giveaways and more. Until next time, take care, be kind, and keep the conversations going.